I've been looking deep into my past and have been actively changing the habits, that I've been taught to cope with in bad events.
As comical as it sounds my coping mechanism is laughter.
It doesn't even have to be funny, but I'll laugh anyway. When I was younger I had another way of channeling my anger and pain. I'd just throw something or yell really loud or if it were a person I'd just keep swinging. But long ago my mother told me the secret of laughter. Whenever bad things happen just smile or think of something funny. I took this advice too far and I've applied it to everything in my life. Which I've started to realize a lot of people think that laugh is directed to them. When it really is just me coping with the situation. Even if it was just nerves or the anxiety of doing something stressful.
It is a double edge sword because it helped me cope but made me very desensitized to a lot of things that I question if I'm alright?
in 2019 alone I've witnessed 2 deaths in front of me in Japan. I've seen a man also die in front of me with cancer when I was younger. I also seen my brother who I never really had a chance to get to know in a casket with a knife wound to the head. I don't know why but when you look at dead people its as if you think they are gonna spring up on you when you least expect it if you look too long. Well at least that's what I felt watching my brothers body in that casket. In a strange way the adults at the time were moving his head around to inspect his body. This was very strange to me at the time but I didn't know any better so I didn't ask any questions about it.
in 2015 my sister got hit by a car and the day after I did too. I don't know why but since that time I've thought there is some form of negative energy around me. In a superstitious way my left arm was broken and my sisters right arm was broken. It took such a long time to recover from that incident I didn't ride a bike again for 2 years. And I was terrified of crossing the street.
I became homeless in Japan. I've touched on this part in my life so many times because it really was a shaking experiences.
The amount of stress I endure then succumbed to in that year destroyed my will to live. I used a lot of my time to adapt and learn this culture. Then life hit me in the face and I started questioning my self worth. And my father and my sister were no help. When I came back home I was exposed to even more self loathing than ever. Because of my fathers fears for me. Everything I failed in. This man would make it sound more worse then it was. Over and over again like an obsession they would laugh at my setbacks. And I'd laugh too, but I didn't feel good anymore but I kept laughing anyway. My laugh they acknowledged gave them ammunition for them to treat me lesser than I was. My sister on the other hand or rather say sisters. Would always doubt my accomplishments or discredited me on anything that was substantial improvement in my life.
When I was depressed and sick coming back from Japan my sister told me that I wasn't going through anything serious. And would say I'm not sick. I've noticed my sister needs some level of attention even within inappropriate times when it's truly not about her.
When I wanted to get back to working in the real world again for myself I asked for her help. It was a job that really wasn't worth anything compared to the work I was doing in Japan. It was just some job working at Tim Hortons. But my sister used this as an opportunity to feel superior over me. She said I should be grateful for the opportunity that her boyfriend gave me. The job came from not her but my brother in law. She always had to put the focus on putting someone down to feel better about herself. And then I laughed because I wanted to believe that my sister isn't the awful person I'm depicting in my head.
I just keep laughing because I thought it was the right thing to do. at least I thought in my head. I'm learning to say what is bothering me more rather than just laughing. And I'm making sure when I say something that is important I don't add a joke or giggle. Because it takes away the importance and the depth of the point I'm making.
With all these events that happened I've made some form of joke about it. And I haven't said them all but I feel better sharing this with someone. Makes me feel like I'm not crazy so thank you for reading this.